Neverwho, Neverwhat, Neverwhen, Neverwhy
by Andi de Tarauger
Summary: What started out as a condensed parody of Neverwhere became...whatever the opposite of a condensed parody of Neverwhere is. Ah well. Enjoy.
1. The Big, The Bad, and The Scared Witless

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A/N: OK. This was supposed to be a condensed version of Neverwhere (which I just recently read, and LOVED!!). Then, I figured, what the heck? There are so many hilarious parts in it, I couldn't resist parodying them all. So this is really not that condensed. *snickers*

Disclaimer: *groans* Must I? *men in black suits close in* Fine, fine. Neil Gaiman owns everything and everyone...but the marquis de Carabas is MINE!!! *men in black draw guns* *groans again* Fine, the marquis is Mr. Gaiman's, too. *pout*

Enjoy. ^.~

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~* Neverwho, Neverwhat, Neverwhen, Neverwhy *~  
~ A Neverwhere Parody by Andi ~

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Richard: Hmmm. Three pages into the book, I think I'll foreshadow later events and show my true character by giving someone an umbrella and letting myself get soaked and sick. Here ya go, old lady.

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Old Lady: Thank you, young man. *to herself* Sucker! He's gonna end up in the gutter someday.

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Richard: What a nice old lady.

*three years later*

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Richard: Wow. I'm ordinary. And boring. Just like everyone else. *sigh* How commonplace.

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Jessica: I'm ordinary and boring, and I want to make my fiance just as boring as I am. For some reason, he doesn't seem to be so enthusiastic about this. *sigh* Men.

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Richard: Uh-oh. I forgot to confirm my reservations for that big dinner with Jessica's boss. Damn. She's gonna hate me now.

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Jessica: *glares* Bad Richard.

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Door: Ow.

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Jessica: So then I said, "No WAY," and he was all "YES way," and I was all "NO way," and he was all – 

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Richard: Er, Jessica. There's a girl bleeding on the street in front of you.

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Jessica: *blink* And your point is?

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Door: Ow.

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Richard: OK, screw you. I'm going. *picks up Door and leaves*

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Jessica: Richard!! I'M DUMPING YOU!!!

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Richard: YES!!!

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Andi the Almighty Author (ooh, alliteration)**: ***pokes* You're supposed to be a nice guy.

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Richard: Oops. I mean, drat. That sucks. Poor me. *weeps* Ah well. *takes Door home*

~

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Door: Uh-oh. Where am I?

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Richard: Um...London?

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Door: *looks out the window* SHIT!!!

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Richard: Um...are you OK?

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Door: Yeah. Just let me go and foul up your bathroom in an effort to clean myself up and patch my wound.

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Richard: *shrug* Knock yourself out.

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Croup: Bestow upon us, if you would be so kind, the young female you are hosting, O Malodorous Yeoman of London Above.

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Richard: Say what?

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Croup: Give us the girl, you smelly Topsider.

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Vandermar: Yah. What 'e said.

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Richard: Sod off, Dumb and Dumber. I don't have time for this.

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Vandemar: *glareglareglare*

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Richard: Er...I mean...exit, if you would be so kind.

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Vandemar: *evil grin*

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Croup: Let's go, Vandy. *turns to Richard...Terminator voice* Ah'll be bahck.

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Richard: *scratches head* Wow. What odd men.

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Door: You don't know the half of it. Now, watch while I talk to birds and rats.

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Richard: Ooooh.

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Door: Here, follow these random directions.

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Richard: *reading* Why do I have to do this stuff?

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Door: 'Cause it makes you look dumb. And there's nothing good on TV.

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Richard: Riiiiight. And it'll get you out of my life quicker?

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Door: Yup.

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Richard: *shrug* Works for me.

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Marquis de Carabas: I am the marquis de Carabas. Fear my incredible coolness!!!

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Fangirls (including Andi)**: ***shriek and faint*

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Richard: Er...riiiiight.

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Marquis: Shut up! Don't ask questions!

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Richard: Um...that wasn't a question...

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Marquis: I said don't ask questions!!!

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Richard: Stop yelling at me!!!

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Marquis: *sigh* Amateurs.

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Richard: *pouts*

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Marquis: Now. Follow me several hundred feet into the sewers below the city.

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Richard: Ew.

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Marquis: *glares*

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Richard: Er, I mean, OK. Let's go.

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Marquis: Good. You're catching on.

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Richard: Ew! *holds nose* This smells like the sewers.

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Marquis: ...it IS the sewers.

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Richard: GROSS!!

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Marquis: *glares*

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Richard: Er, I mean, lead on, MacDuff.

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Marquis: It's lay on, MacDuff, actually.

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Richard: Whatever.

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Marquis: Don't look down.

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Richard: *looks down* HOLY CRAP!!!!!!

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Marquis: *irritated sigh*

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Old Bailey: Dammit. It's you.

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Marquis: Good to see you, too, Old Bailey. *foreshadowing of silver box*

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Old Bailey: Ooooh. I mean, I don't want it.

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Marquis: Too bad.

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Richard: *stands around uselessly*

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Marquis: Yo! Topsider! Time to split.

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Richard: Took ya long enough.

*They exit from Richard's broom closet*

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Richard: ...y'mean I could've taken this route all the time? *sheesh*

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Marquis: *glares*

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Richard: Er, I mean...I'm so glad I got to go on this adventure and meet tons of fascinating new people, and see the sewers of London up close and personal..?

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Marquis: *smirk* Well, no, you're not, not at all. But that works for now. *dashing grin* *THUD as Andi faints in delight*

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Door: Well, sayonara, kid. It's been great. *kisses cheek*

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Richard: Kid? I'm, like, ten years older than you...*indignant pout*

*Door and the marquis disappear*

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Richard: Huh. Look at that. They're gone. Ah well. *drops onto couch and snoozes*

~

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A/N: Don't worry, folks, there's more where that came from...^_^ What d'you think so far? Drop me a line, or two, or three, or maybe even four! ;D


	2. To the Market! To the RatSpeakers! And T...

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A/N: I'm finally CONTINUING!! w00t!!! Muchas gracias to all my wonderful reviewers ^.^

Court: Heehee, thanks...even though you haven't read the book...XD

Whizzo: Thanks! :D

EliD: Yay!! Another de Carabas fangirl!!! ^-^ Thanks!

Redaura: Heehee...I applaud your taste ;D

PrincessEilonwy: Meaning...THE Eilonwy? From Lloyd Alexander's Chronicles of Prydain? :D:D:D:D Hehe...actually, that ISN'T the whole book, and I'm definitely doing more. *g* I'm A Believer is a great song, isn't it? ^^

Midnight: Hee...*clings to the marquis* Go ahead, Richard deserves better than Jessica anyway _;

And guess what?! I got the Neverwhere DVD miniseries as an early Christmas present =D *very happy Andi* I was a bit disappointed with some of the characters (like Hunter *growl*) but I was delighted at their portrayal of my beloved marquis. *heart* Does anyone else think that, should Neverwhere be made a movie, Johnny Depp would be an EXCELLENT marquis?! I mean, anyone who's seen PotC knows he's got that grin down just PERFECTLY...*swoon*

*ahem* Yeah. Anyway. Onto parodying.

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~* Neverwho, Neverwhat, Neverwhen, Neverwhy *~  
~ A Neverwhere Parody by Andi ~

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Richard: Wow, that was odd. *yawn* Anyway, on to work.

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Everyone: *ignores Richard as if they cannot see him*

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Richard: This is weird. Everyone's ignoring me as if they cannot see me!!

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Illiaster: Imagine that.

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Richard: Yeah. Hey — hey!! You can see me!!

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Illiaster: Crap. Um...bye.

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Mr. Croup: *threatenthreatenthreaten*

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Richard: Rrrrriiiiiight.

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Illiaster: This way.

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Lord Rat-Speaker: *chitterchitterthreatenthreaten*

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Richard: Not this again.

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Lord Rat-Speaker: *brandishes pointy glass thing*

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Richard: *gulp* I mean, er...*sweats in terror*?

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Lord Rat-Speaker: Better, better, better.

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Meanwhile...

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Mr. Croup: *foreshadowing of our employer!!*

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People Who Are Reading Book For First Time: Ooooooooohhhhhhh!! Who's this employer guy?! Hmmm...I wonder who they're working for!!!

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Neverwhere Fanatics: *thwap* SHUT UP AND KEEP READING.

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Meanwhile...

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Lord Rat-Speaker: Hmmm...where was I...oh yes-yes-yes! *puts pointy object to Richard's throat*

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Rat: Squeesquee chitterchitter squeee! *translation: Let him go or you'll be sorry, you grimy bum.*

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Lord Rat-Speaker: *pout* Bite me!

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Rat: Chittersquee! *bares teeth* *translation: With pleasure!*

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Lord Rat-Speaker: Er, I mean, whatever you say, Master Longtail. *grovelgrovelgrovel*

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Meanwhile...

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Marquis de Carabas: I am the marquis de Carabas!

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Everyone: We know.

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Fangirls: Shhh!!!

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Marquis: *glare* As I was SAYING, I am the marquis de Carabas, and standing in this dirty, grimy street is degrading to my incredible coolness. Door, take us in.

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Door: *rolls her eyes and takes them in*

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Marquis: Owwww. That hurt. What'd you do that for?!

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Door: *disgusted sigh* Marquises.

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Marquis: ...what now?

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Door: *shrug* I dunno.

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Marquis: *sigh* Looks like it's up to me...again...*dashing grin* *fangirls swoon* *Door groans* Here I come to save the daaaaaay!! ...now, where are we?

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Meanwhile...

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Richard: We're off to see the Bridge...the wonderful Bridge of the Night...

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Anaesthesia: *oddlooks*

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Richard: ...just trying to lighten the mood...

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Meanwhile...(lotsa plotlines, ne?)

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Marquis: Found it?

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Door: Nope.

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Five minutes later.

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Marquis: Found it?

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Door: Nope.

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Five minutes later.

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Marquis: Found it?

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Door: Nope.

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Five minutes later.

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Marquis: ...what are we looking for again?

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Door: *groans*

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Meanwhile...

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Richard and Anaesthesia: *walk and talk*

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Mr. Croup and Mr. Vandemar: *scare Varney*

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Varney: *is Varney-ish*

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Marquis: Rather boring lives they lead without us, no?

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Door: OK, found it. *gets sphere*

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Marquis: *looks at sphere* What is that, how does it work, and why did I not know the answer to either of those questions?

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Door: *rolls eyes* It's my dad's journal. *makes it work*

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Portico: *babblebabblebabblebabbleISLINGTONbabblebabblebabble*

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Door: Islington?! *shockedness*

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Marquis: Islington, pah! Why'd he have to choose someone I never met?! *looks forlorn* *fangirls squeal and swoon*

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Door: *rolls eyes* Whatever. Let's just go to the Market and get a bodyguard.

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Marquis: *looks put out* I was going to suggest that.

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Meanwhile...

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Leather Woman: I'm going over the bridge with you. *shows spear* Any objections?

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Richard: *gulp* None at all.

*They go over the bridge*

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Richard: Where's Anaesthesia?

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Anaesthesia: I'm in your mind...all around you...I live inside of your heart...

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Richard: ...um...

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Anaesthesia: Just kidding. *vanishes*

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Richard: *looks thoroughly creeped out*

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Woman: Shall we?

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Richard: Er...OK...

~

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A/N: *grins* Sorry, this one wasn't as good as the previous...hope y'all liked it anyway ^.^;; Review if you did, pleaseth! I appreciate it!


	3. To Market, To Market, To Find a Fat Body...

A/N: It's baaaaaack and so am I!! ::bounces:: I haven't updated this in AGES, I hope y'all haven't given up on me :D:D ::pokes evil QuickEdit:: It doesn't let my asterisks show up, so I have to use double colons. ::pout:: It randomly unbolded a bunch of stuff, too...which is really messed up...o.O So, apologies for how weird this looks. ::shoots ff.net::

Whizzo: Thanks! :D

Eilonwy: ::giggles:: Thankee muchly.

NeverwhereKitty: Yay, thanks so much for an enthusiastic review! Good to meet another de Carabas fangirl. XD

Midnightinthegarden: Nothing's wrong with her...she's just really NOT what I pictured her as. I didn't think she was pretty at all...she had STUBBLE for hair, for cryin' out loud. x.X And it SHOULD be a movie, it would be excellent ::grin:: Thankee!

Chess: ::highfives:: Hooray for de Carabas!

Elanor: Just my brilliant intuition, I suppose. XDXD LOL,thankee.

Lovely Moon: ::dies:: It's every fangirl's dream to see Johnny as the Marquis...::swoon:: Thanks, anyway, heehee.

DaisyEater: Heehee. Thanks muchly! :D

So here goes...ze next part!! After, like, 6 months! ::dies::

Neverwho, Neverwhat, Neverwhen, Neverwhy   
A Neverwhere Parody by Andi 

Richard: So this is the Floating Market, eh? Damn, this place creeps me out. So, what do you do here?

Leather Woman: I rent my body.

Richard: Oh my God, she's a whore!!!

Leather Woman: What was that?

Richard: Er, nothing.

Leather Woman: Goodbye.

Old Bailey: Hey, it's you!!

Richard: Just my luck.

Old Bailey: Give me your hankie for information!

Richard: Um...OK. ::thinking:: Sucker!

Old Bailey: ::gives information, thinking:: Sucker!

Meanwhile...

Narrator: ::measures bodyguard sizes in fops::

Varney and Ruislip: ::shift to the left, shift to the right, stand up, sit down, fight fight fight::

Marquis: ::insert cool lobster line and rougish grin here:: ::fangirls swoon::

Door: ::oddlooks swooning fangirls at bodyguard auditions::

::FORESHADOWING OF LAMIA::

Varney: Haha! You suck!

Ruislip: Oh dear. Goin' down.

Richard: Door, I finally found y – 

Door: Richard, look out!!

Ruislip: ::goes flying::

::THUD::

Everyone: ::wince:: Oooooh.

Door: Richard, you idiot.

Richard: Good to see you, too.

Marquis: ::delivers kick-ass "deep shit" speech amidst swooning fangirls::

Richard: ::pout:: I want swooning fangirls.

Authoress: ::poke::

Richard: Er, I mean, I'm delighted to be in such a wonderful place with so many wonderful smells...::he sniffs the air, and begins to choke:: Er, and so many interesting people?

Authoress: ::snort ::No, you're not. But that works for now.

Richard: ::groan:: Not you too.

Door: How did you get here?

Richard: ::tells::

Door: ::corrects him a lot::

Marquis: ::interviews Varney::

Varney: ::is Varney-ish. grrr::

Hunter: I'm Hunter.

Marquis: You're hired.

Varney: Heeeey!! What about me?!

Hunter: ::beats the crap out of Varney::

Varney: ::Bleep:: you!

Authoress: Naughty Varney. This is a PG-13 fic! ::thwap::

Richard: Huh, whaddaya know. She's not a hooker after all.

Later...

Richard: What about me?

Marquis: ::raises an eyebrow:: ::thuds follow:: What _about _you?

Door: That means "piss off, loser" in de Carabas speech.

Authoress: ::poke:: You're supposed to be nice.

Door: I mean...::high falsetto:: Richard, I'm sorry, but we can't take you with us.

Authoress: You can't take it with you!!

Neverwhere Chars: ::stare::

Authoress: ::cough:: Er, sorry. Theatre dork moment. Continue, please.

Everyone Else: ::leaves Richard::

Richard: ::sniff:: I'm all alone...there's no one here besiiiiide me...

Authoress: ::wince:: Well, if you keep singing like _that, _it's no wonder you're alone...

Meanwhile...

Varney: Oh, crap.

Croup: Surprise.

Varney: ::dies::

Blood: ::gushes::

Authoress: That was kinda weird.

Vandemar: Yeah.

Authoress: ::...pout:: You're not supposed to _agree._

Meanwhile...

Door: Alright, come on, you're with us now.

Authoress: Just so I'm not accused of plagarism, that line belongs to Jehan's Muse and her masterpiece, One Miz Two Miz Red Miz Blue Miz.

Richard: Great! Where are we going?

Door: To find an angel named Islington.

Richard: ::begins to laugh::

Door: ...no, seriously.

Richard: ::continues laughing::

Door: Richard!!

Richard: Heeeheeeheehehee...

Marquis: ::thwacks Richard over the head with a conveniently placed stick and knocks him out::

Door: Did you really have to do that?

Marquis: No. But it was refreshing. ::grins:: ::THUDS echo:: Shall we?

Door, the Marquis, and the just-kinda-there Hunter: ::continue, dragging an unconscious Richard::

::FORESHADOWING OF ISLINGTON::

Islington: I'm androgynous! Go me!

End (of this part, anyway)

A/N: OK, I think I'm losing my touch. x.X It was kinda rushed, sorry...may I take this time to add that I HATE the miniseries' portrayal of Islington? And what was UP with his singing?! ::shudder:: Anyway...reviews are appreciated...though I know I don't deserve them for being absent so long...::embarrassed grin::


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